Football shirts are great aren’t they? I mean think about them – they’re t-shirts, which is great, cos you can wear a t-shirt with anything; but also they’re so much more than that – they represent specific times, childhoods, places and ideas. They are fabric memories.
But are football shirts Wavey? It’s a broad, philosophical question; so I did some extensive research and the answer, my Waveyfriends, is yes. 100% yes, possibly the waviest of garms. So here are ten of the waviest football shirts of all time. It should be fun and maybe we’ll learn something along the way.
10. Manchester City 1997-99 Home, by Kappa
You know, your oldest brother will probably tell you how good the early/ mid-90s were great – the battle of Britpop, Common People, The Good Mixer in Camden; I mean, he grew up, like you, in Hertfordshire, but he remembers Chris Evans talking about it. Well, he can stick his memories of 1992 to 1996 up his arse. And that’s what this shirt is saying. This shirt is Be Here Now set to fabric. Electric blue for no reason other than it goes perfectly well with three lines and the full 7 minute edit of ‘D’You Know What I Mean?’.
9. Sweden 1994 Home, by Adidas
Within the world* (*internet forums) of football shirt appreciation, the dirtiest word is ‘Template’. A word that rises the bile of any individual who has converted the spare room into a ‘shirt museum’ since she moved out. It basically means a design of shirt that is used by a manufacturer across multiple different teams. At USA ’94 Adidas went bloody template loopy, giving this design with its massive three stripes to Hungary, Bulgaria, Romania, Norway and, as pictured, Sweden. And this shirt is sick – it says yeah I know where Sweden is, but I actually don’t rate ABBA.
8. Croatia 1998-01 Home, by Lotto
Tell you what is genius about this shirt, the thought process. Usually with any design someone is gonna talk you through all these words about how they came up with this line, or why this shade of maroon was used; but with this shirt, yeah, you can tell the Lotto designers all sat around Lotto’s big table and someone went “Big flag?” and all the other people sat around the table went:
“Big flag, yep”
“Yep” – and then they all went to the pub. True genius cannot be taught.
7. Nigeria 1998-2000 Goalkeeper, by Nike
During the 90s, goalkeeper shirts went fucking wild, like, designers went out of their way to out-do each other by whacking any auld shite they could imagine on a shirt and then forcing poor 90’s goalkeepers to wear them, and then laughing at them, presumably. More on that later. But this was an antidote shirt for all that acid nonsense – clean lines, simple design, warm yellow; wear it down the shops on Sunday innit.
6) Celtic 1997-99 Home, by Umbro
The great thing about football shirts is that they allow you to wear colours and designs that would normally get you weird looks. Take hoops for example. Now normally, unless you were riding a horse, or maybe stealing a big sack full of hamburgers you couldn’t get away with hoops. But with a football shirt you can wear hoops wherever you like – pissing around the precinct, enjoying some chicken, sleeping on the night bus, or just generally being a sesh gremlin. Fun fact: the front of this shirt contains 10 (TEN) Umbro logos: fairplay!
5) Spartak Moscow 2009 Home, by Nike
You’re probably a bit confused by this entry. You might be sat there going ‘What the fuck are you on about Clon you prick??’ and that’s fair enough. But to be honest, mate, get a Tumblr and learn about minimalism and late 20th Century Soviet architecture, yeah mate? Okay..then come back to me and criticise. Its clean, its simple and a perfect antidote to the elaborate 90’s designs. Also, that Russian writing? It translates as ‘A big bag of cans” and you’re just gonna have to trust me on that.
4) Arsenal 1991-93 Away, by Adidas
Alright, let me level with you here. The editor of Waveygarms.com forced me to up this shirt in. He literally said “Clon, you have to include the Arsenal shirt” Why? Cos he owns the shirt and he wears it all the time [He’s right, I did, and he’s right, I do – Ed]. To be fair, if I were the editor of Waveygarms.com I’d probably do the same. All that being said, this shirt is sickeningly good – like…boil your piss good. This shirt was old enough to experience ecstasy and all-nighters the first time round and has grown up into one of those mid-30’s people that owns a cool house with a fancy analogue stereo system and wears loads of trainers and you hate follow them on Instagram but secretly you love them.
3) Kashima Antlers 1993-95 Home, by Mizuno
The Japanese, very good at loads of stuff - making trains go really fast, gardening and also those class gadget toilets. Not very good at naming football clubs though. What kind of shit name is ‘Antlers’. Not even a full animal. It’s just a part of an animal – would you name your football club after a piece of an animal? Trunk? Tail? Hoof? No. Shit idea. That being said, the lads over in Kashima haven’t shied away from their fuck up, they’ve put their name on the front of a lovely, lovely shirt, so fair play. Also, remember Mizuno?
2) Goalkeeper shirt 1994-96, by Umbro
Back in the 1990’s someone decided that goalkeepers were clowns. A war was declared on goalkeepers and net minders were forced to trot around their penalty areas dressed like cunts. So why would this shirt be Wavey? It has brilliant colours and, also, check this out - who was one of the few goalkeepers to wear this design? None other than Neville ‘Big Nev’ Southall – who worse a similar version of this for his country and then went on to become The King of Wales and enforcer of the left. There is a true lesson here – humility, Waveyfriends, humility.
1) Cork city 1989-91 Home, by Adidas
Have you seen the new 2018 Germany Home shirt? It’s pretty fucking cool, in fact everyone loves it. The main reason they love it is due to its throwback design with three lines that go down, level out and then up again, a bit like my enthusiasm for this sentence. Anyway, this design is basically a design classic and its original, worn by Germany at Italia ’90, is commonly cited by everyone as the greatest football shirt of all time. But all those people are wrong. They’re wrong maybe because they don’t know that lil’ Irish club Cork city had the same design. Maybe they do know lil’ Cork City had the same design and still say Germany wore it better – you have my permission to spit in the faces of such people.
So why is this the Waviest football shirt? Well, it is the coolest design of anything ever put to fabric in the history of humankind. Also, as far as I can tell there’s about five different shades of green on there. No explanation given for that, but green is the coolest colour. Also, the shirt sponsor is Guinness, the Waviest beverage available.
Written by: Clon
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